last entry of 2004

it's been so long since i last blogged from uni but recently, uniten had this new IT building and it's time to give it a try. i've gotta admit it's pretty cool. much better than the engineering block for sure. anyway, i've got a class in 30 mins and since i've gotta settle some stuff on my project after the class and then rush to jason's place for the new year eve's dinner, i guess that would leave me with precious little time to blog again before midnight. meaning? this will be my last entry for the year 2004... hahaha...
so what can i say bout 2004? generally it's been good. i'm finally feeling a bit more comfortable studying in uniten, finally being able to adapt to my surroundings. quite a lot have changed compared to my first sem here and the changes were pretty much good for me (it's not great though...) however, i've really gotta improve on my time management and to set my priorities straight. gotta stop ignoring the people beside me (especially ly) when i'm pressured by my studies... conclusion? 2004 ain't that bad... =)
with all that said, i must add that i've got a much higher expectation for 2005... 2004 was good, 2005 better be great! hahaha... but we'll just have to wait and see don't we?
anyway, it's time to say farewell again (the new building is cool, but it's bloody far from the main engineering block... damn...)
have a happy, happy new year everyone!!!
and god bless...
see ya in 2005... hahaha...

time flies...

i was watching a replay of a 1996 FA cup semi final match between man utd and chelsea on espn when i suddenly realized how fast time flew by... as i watched the players (beckham, giggs, keane, cantona) play, i remembered this was the team that made me support man utd in the first place. especially cantona. man, he's exceptional. and after that, another fact hit me - this match took place 8 years ago! 8 years!

i wondered how much i've change over the years. did i turn out to be a better man or worse? i look at the players and from my point, they haven't changed a bit. their style, their character, their movement.

and tomorrow will be the start of a new year. 2004 will be history and we will usher in 2005. how will it be? one thing for sure, it will start on a solemn tone. the tsunami disaster which hit the south east asia is leaving such a huge impact that it will take years for this region to recover. i've always known that mother nature has a funny but cruel way of reminding us just how powerful she can be if she wanted to. just as we were taking her for granted, bam! she hits us with something like this. but never before has it been so fearsome. although malaysia (especially kl) wasn't as badly hit compared to our neighbors but the fact that tens of thousands lost their lives does have a huge impact.

anyway, all that happened made me recall the good old times. and i've realized that family and friends come first before anything else in life (my life at least)... so just let me take this moment to thank all my friends and family (i dun really know which category does ly belong to?) for being there for me through good times and bad... i dun wanna name names coz you guys know if you are my friends or not and i won't hurt anyone's feelings this way... hahaha... however, the few who are really special to me (jacky, kam, jason, zi hui, ang), you guys have shown me the true meaning of friendship...

and not to forget, ly... better mention her here before she gets jealous... hahaha... well, like kam said, new year's eve will always be special to us... we're going into our fifth year now... amazing isn't it? to think that i barely knew here when we started our relationship... yup.. that's right, we weren't even friends... it was just my gut feeling that she's special and the way she made me feel so comfortable when i'm around her... she will always be special to me, an amazing girl... i'm glad she's mine... =)

i could go on and on about the past but i really should stop here... it's getting really late and i have to get back to my reality and the present... i've got loads of assignments and the projects ain't going on smoothly... my tests are coming up and i haven't started studying... hahaha... ain't the reality harsh? well, i'll save all that for my next blog...

have a happy new year everyone and god bless!!!

till next time...

a long break

hi! i'm back after a long, long, long break from the world of bloggers... needed that break though... set my priorities right, getting back to my studies, trying to get back on track with all the things going on right now... i've been busy...

anyway, while i was away, i've turned 21, started a new semester, spent my christmas in penang (in the midst of the tsunami scare), got my ears pierced again and i've been extremely busy huh? hahaha...

at first it was fun with all the project and stuff to do... but now with the sem in full swing, it's getting pretty tiring. i barely have enough time left in my day to even meet my gf! everything feels so weird now. i've got to plan for everything in advance. can't go out when i feel like going out anymore. well, this sem is gonna be challenging... anyway, as long as i can juggle my time well, i guess this would also be an interesting time for me in uniten. it would allow me to judge my true capabilities... hahaha... it's a load of crap... =)

come to think of it, this time has been good for my relationship with ly too. i've said before that i've been seriously reconsidering my relationship with her. however, this time spent apart has made us miss each other more and has made my heart grow fonder. we still have our frequent arguments but i look forward to seeing her so much more. we've got a date coming this thurs and for the first time after so long, i'm actually thinking about it, making plans... man, this is weird!

anyway, i'm really looking forward to the new year. it's probably gonna start with a bbq dinner at a friends house. and after that... i can just hope for the best... =)

ps: it feels good to be back...

feeling lucky...

i just got my results of last sem a couple of days ago. and i just wanna say that i was really lucky to have achieved the results i did. it wasn't perfect but it's still much better than i expected... =)

a trip down south

i traveled south with ly today, headed to port dickson (it's the nearest beach available). actually, i've always wanted to go on a road trip with her. plus, i've just realized i've never watched the sun set beyond the horizon before. i left home about 4:15 in the evening, and the trip took about 80 minutes.
well, nothing much happened in the trip, so it was basically a good, relaxing day out. but for me, it was an important trip. as you might have noticed, i've stopped blogging for a while. it's not because i was busy or lazy, but just the fact that i'm in no mood to write, or talk. i've suddenly lost the zest for life. i have even considered breaking up this relationship with ly. depression probably. my life became a routine cycle. the same events repeating day after day. however, this trip reminded me why i was with her in the first place. it made me realize that i was taking her for granted all this while and how much this relationship means to the both of us.
hopefully, i will be able to turn over a new leaf after this. no more depression. no more frustration.
back to the trip. even though i was unable to actually see the sun go down, blocked by some stupid clouds, the view was still spectacular. and to be able to witness that with ly by my side made it even more memorable. it felt good lazing by the seaside. a new environment, the smell of the sea breeze. refreshing.
i have no idea why but a good, long drive always feels good. i just love the feeling of cruising behind the wheel. not too fast, not too slow... so, so relaxing... =)

metaphorical pic...

i just like this pic a lot. somehow, it is me and ly. from the colour to the taste.

holiday blues...

i've had a busy holiday ever since it started on the 5th of nov. can't remember a single night in which i've stayed home. i should be ecstatic but surprisingly i find myself feeling kinda blue. i don't know why. probably i should spend a few days at home instead...

well, ly is gonna be having her exams soon (it's gonna be over in a weeks time), so i'm hoping things will get better...

actually, before the holidays started, i wanted to blog daily. but now, i just don't have the mood to get anything done. nothing appeals to me. and this blog seems so... dead. i know. coz that's exactly how i'm feeling, which is weird. i should be happy but i'm depressed. how can that be? this situation is really beginning to get on my nerves. i wanna write a bloody long entry but my mind just doesn't allow it. what the hell is wrong with me?

time to learn...

ok, the previous post, i was just testing on how to post a pic on my blog... i really have got no idea on how to do it... kam, how do you put a pic on your profile? and do you use 'hello' to post your pics on your blog? man... i wanna learn... but i am LAZY... and kam, if you dun mind, how do you actually change the template of your blog?

anyway, today i had fun... played football from 9 to 11... pm! hahaha... my parents think i'm nuts... now, i'm dead tired and my bed's calling me, so today's entry will be an extremely short one... hahaha...

ps: the questions above are not directed to kam alone... if there is any kind souls out there willing to teach, i'm willing to learn... =)

testing...

me and ly at bukit tinggi

back... and blogging...

i'm back at last... man, that has got to be the worst exam week ever... it was so depressing and stressful... and i definitely do not want to remind myself bout it, so i won't say anything till my results are out... anyway, i'm grateful it's over...
so let's see, one month for me to kick back and relax... i've already made up on lost time - been paying need for speed underground non-stop for the past two days... i didn't even wanna come online... hahaha...
plans for the holidays...
1) sky-diving with jason though we might face some problems coz we can't find anyone else with enough guts to join us... they only hold classes for a minimum of 5 ppl... =(
2) spend as much time as possible with ly. she has helped me so much through my exam week even though she's down with fever... she has always been there for me, supporting me when i'm emotionally drained... and the fact that she has exams coming up next week makes it even worse... man, i miss her sooo much... muacks!
3) meet up with old friends for a drink since it's generally holidays for everyone around here... =)
4) play as much football as possible...
5) go out on a road trip with ly... it's been so long since we last spend time having fun... =(
6) go on at least one road trip with friends (min 100km away from my house)... Especially if that sky-diving plan doesn't take off...
7) ermm... i'll think of something else later... =)
well, if half of what i planned takes off, i'll consider this holiday a good one... hahaha...

time for some updates on myself - first of all, my decision on the scholarship. i rejected it. don't ask me why. i don't know if it's the right thing to do but that's what i did. i went to consult 2 of my lecturers before i made that decision and both of them agreed that i should not accept the scholasrship. and both of them seem to have more confidence in me than myself... that's strange... however, according to them, with my results, it's better if i keep my options open... and they said that i'll have a brighter future if i'm not bonded... well, only time will tell if that's true...

i wonder if i'll live to regret that decision?

dessert, anyone?

i was so damn stressed up this evening that i decided to treat myself to something nice. after going through the kitchen, i finally made myself an experimental dessert which turns out to be surprisingly tasty. here's the menu for those adventurous souls:

1/2 cup of strawberry ice-cream (preferably with a bit of sour sensation - not those extremely sweet ones), 1/2 cup of vanilla ice-cream, 1/2 cup of red wine (chilled), 1/4 cup of red sparkling juice (chilled) and 2 table spoons of rum.

try it. it's delicious!

i officially name it - the stress terminator! (i know, the name sucks but what the heck...)

dilemma

i haven't really written bout what i've been up to lately so here's a quick recap...

remember the competition that i was gonna join that i mentioned about before? well, i ended up joining three of them. one invention comp, one robotics and one graphic design (with Pro/Engineer). don't think i stand a chance winning any of them though. but i guess the experience would count for something. i'll let you know when the competition gets going. right now, everything is just in its planning stages. well basically, finals is coming up so no one's concentrating on it.

besides that, i've been on a scholarship interview last week with Genting Sanyen Power. i've been rejected so many times (5 times actually) that i went for this without any hopes at all. surprise, surprise... i got a phone call this morning informing me that i've been offered. i should be happy but i'm in a dilemma. well, here's why...

1) i'm currently on loan with ptptn. they are giving me RM 16,500 every year (one semester - RM 8,250). this is my third semester, so basically i've already received RM 24,750 and i've used up most of it for tuition fees and stuff.

2) now GSP is offering me a scholarship worth of RM 18,000 a year. however, they have told me that they will only reimburse ptptn for one semester. this means i will have to find a way to return the RM 16,500 which i received for the first 2 semesters. and part of the scholarship terms is that i will have to work for GSP for a minimum of 5 years.

3) here's the catch - one of the terms under the ptptn loan is that i will NOT be required to pay them anything IF i manage to graduate with a first class degree. the first class degree in uniten is a cgpa of 3.5 and above. my current cgpa after 2 semesters is 3.97. if you don't understand what i'm talking about, ask a friend of yours studying in a malaysian university... =)

so, there you have it. i think i'm able to graduate with a first class degree, therefore, if i continue with the ptptn loan, i will not have to pay anything and i will not be tied up with a 5 year contract. BUT if i fail to graduate with a first class degree (it is very possible), i will end up with a RM 66,000 debt which i will have to pay for.

and if i receive the scholarship offer from GSP, i will still have a huge debt of RM 16,500 but i will not have to worry bout the rest of my studies years (2 1/2 more years to go). furthermore, i will be tied down with a contract for 5 years in which i have to work for GSP. there is the good and bad in it. the good - the economy is bad these couple of years. a guaranteed job is as good as anything. at least i won't have to worry bout being unemployed. the bad - being tied down for 5 years. i can't further my studies if i want to. and i'm more interested in doing R&D and probably part time lecturing. i don't think i'll be able to do that in GSP.

so what do you think i should do? i haven't got a clue. anyway, i will be briefed this saturday. i will make my decision after that. hopefully it's the right one.

ps: my final exams are really drawing closer. i've got papers on the 3rd, 4th and 5th of november. this added to the fact that i've got lots of assignments stacked up means i'll really be disappearing for a while. but i might be writing more articles/poems... =)

messed up

i screwed up my final paper today. not because i do not know the answer, but i just didn't have enough time. it's probably my fault - lack of sleep, lack of practice and a lacklustre build up to the paper. half way through the paper, i just wanted to give up. don't remember feeling so defeated for a long, long time. just when i thought everything was going on well for me, my confidence is shattered again.

damn.

mind games

Drowsy, my mind floats
Destination: unknown
It’s far. That I know for sure
Away from this routine life

It ain’t used to be like this
Or was it? I ain’t sure
My mind’s been playing me
Tricks and treats all day

It used to be exciting
No. It’s Exhilarating
But I ain’t happy was I?
Depressed or frustrated
Choice of the day

The pace has slowed down
Not as much adrenaline rush
No more pumping fists
Or rushing blood to my temples
Something’s missing

Happy I’m not
Neither am I depressed
Or frustrated. Weird.
I thought I knew what was best
Guess I’m wrong. Yet again

lighten up?

ly says my entries are too negative and the words are too heavy... is it true? the one thing i wanted to avoid from the start is to sound negative and to give the impression that my life sucks... it's tough (my life) but it's not that bad... heck, if it's smooth sailing all the way, what's there to enjoy right? anyway, i'll try to lighten up a bit more in my next entries...

let loose...

ever had that feeling where you just wanna let go of everything you are doing, screw all the things going on around you and just go wild? i'm having a huge dose of that right now... a couple of hours ago, i really wanted to just let go of everything i'm doing (it basically involves studies only) and just go wild... the thought of having a drink in bangsar/ hartamas while having a puff of smoke seems sooo inviting... which is weird considering the fact that i don't smoke...
why do i like drinking so much? hmm... i'm not an alcoholic, that's for sure... i think i like drinking because of the atmosphere... similar to the reason why i like to have a cup of coffee at night with my parents... i just like the company and the time spent together... that has a side effect though - i've been really addicted to coffee, can't function without it.
so back to drinking. i enjoy drinking because of the ambience of the place. obviously i choose the place i drink and i have a few favourite spots. it's not any of those loud discos with blaring techno beat blasting from gigantic speakers. one of my favourite spots (a special spot for ly and i) is an outdoor joint where they are dimly lit and they play soft, relaxing music. i dun mind techno beats either, i enjoy them, but at an acceptable decibel. that's why i enjoy drinking only in certain places.
another reason? i enjoy watching people. observing the way they dress, the way they talk, the way they act. makes you realize the world is such a beauty. so many types of people living together. it's really fun. but the main reason - the company. friends. they are a gift from god. who else to share your joys and despairs over a bottle of beer? (actually with a bunch of friends, i don't mind spending the night out in a mamak stall... hahaha...)
well, whatever it is, i'm just trying to make an excuse for me to take a break from my books (good old blog, what would I do without you?) as well as an excuse for my drinking habit and hopefully this urge to go wild will find someone else to haunt (at least for this 5-6 weeks)... after my exams, i will welcome it back with arms wide open... hahaha... as for the urge to smoke... i haven't figured that out yet...

acceptance...

for another month or so, i won't be able to post so frequently (not that i'm doing it now anyway)as my finals will be around the corner... i do wonder how i'm going to get through the papers this semester as i've been in a particularly lazy mode throughout classes this time around. i doubt if i even got past third gear at any time of the semester (except while i'm playing football... hahaha...) but, i've gotta do it anyway...

i do realize something however... whenever i'm feeling pressured or depressed, i do seem to be able to perform better. when i'm depressed especially, it seems to trigger my creative side. for instance, i've been feeling particularly down the other day when i wrote "hope" and "unfinished article" was written at the end of last semester when everything seems so lost. i wonder if those articles are any good? my friends told me they are but i have doubts if they are just saying that to make me feel better. i've got low confidence so don't blame me.

which brings me to comment on an article my friend wrote on his blog. he was writing about people showing off their abilities and achievements. about people who crave appreciation. i've read in a magazine that it is a normal psychological pattern (especially with the male species) that we just want to be the strongest, fastest, biggest... you get the flow... as to appreciation, we are emotional beings. we don't actually crave appreciation but what we actually do crave is acceptance. we want to be accepted. no, we NEED to be accepted into our society.

on my personal opinion, is acceptance really that important? is is a big YES. look around you. do you know anyone who is always alone? chances are everyone you know seems to belong to a group of friends. and if there is a person who craves personal space, chances are he will be "labeled" as a loser. i know coz i've been there. well, no one actually called me a loser before but i know how depressed loneliness can get you to feel. when alone, a minute of waiting feels like an hour but with a friend, an hour feels like a minute. einstein's theory of relativity. hahaha... however, if my articles are good, i might appreciate that depressed feelings more as i will then be able to write more and who knows? my articles might be worth a fortune one day... damn... it's 12 noon and i'm still dreaming...

ok. enough crap. right now, i'm in my uni's comp lab and i've just completed my lab report due tomorrow. the reason i'm not already speeding home is that there is this innovative invention competition being organized and well, my friends and i are interested. the briefing for the competition is at one so here i am, with nothing much to do... the competition is actually an inter-varsity competition so being the low-confidence creature that i am, i don't know if we have what it takes to compete. furthermore, i'm only in my third year so what do i know? anyway, i'll just attend the briefing and i'll post further updates over here...

well, i guess i should stop "trying" to blog with an empty mind which is resulting in so much crap and instead, try to prepare for my coming final papers... hahaha... easier said than done... but i'm going to try anyway... so it's g'bye for now...

hope

Running out of inspiration
Failing flame in this withering soul
Not even a spark of life
It feels so empty, so lifeless
What has gone wrong?

Here I stand, faced with a junction
A daunting choice ahead of me
Never knowing what the future holds
As certain as the greatest legend
As certain as the most magical myth
I do not know. I never will

Is this the right path?
The right choice?
Will I live to regret it?
Joy and sadness fills the path behind me
What lays in front, waiting in the darkness?

I hope for my path to be alight
I hope for happiness, satisfaction
That’s all there is right now
Hope. Just a flicker of hope

Yes, there is hope yet
There certainly is
As certain as the brightest star
As certain as the purest moon
It’s all that keeps me going
The hope for a better tomorrow

ps: it's ok if you don't get the meaning. don't worry coz i don't really know what i'm trying to say myself.

sick

the title speaks for itself. need more rest. =þ

take a break

had a great time with ly today. spent half the day wrestling her and had a little swordplay (with two umbrellas... =þ). really can't remember the last time i laughed as much as today. it pretty much explains the reason i'm still with her... she brings out the child in me... hahaha... love you...

however, as great a time i had today, i realized too that my holidays are over. back to my routine life. sometimes i'm just so sick of life in the fast-paced world. whatever happened to "enjoy your life while you still can"? i wonder how many of us took time out to notice the changes around us? i myself just found out two days ago that the huge, ancient tree in front of my house actually does shed twice a year! it's a beautiful sight when the leaves were blown away by a gust of wind. i can't believe what i've been missing for the past years (i've been living on the same street since i was born). another reason why i treasure her. she made me realize that life is not all about seeking perfection. sometimes, life already is perfect. we constantly complain about the little imperfections surrounding us that we often miss the bigger picture.

growing up, i have had many regrets. but none of it hits me as hard as this - "damn, i rushed through it that i didn't have time to savor it". they say opportunity only knocks once. you've gotta grab it while it's still there. true. but today is only today for today. you'll never get another 4th of september 2004. when tomorrow comes by, today will be yesterday. so take a break. look around you. savor the moment before it's finally gone forever.

i've been rather lucky till now (i know i complain a lot but hey, we humans are never satisfied right?). god has blessed me with many wonderful moments that i cherish dearly. if i was given a chance to live my life over, i probably will choose the same steps that i took in my life till now. sure it's filled with it's ups and downs, but it has shaped me to be who i am today. with my family and ly by my side and my friends to rely on in times of trouble (there's only a few but they are the best buds anyone can hope for), there's nothing more to ask for anyway.

i just wish for the intelligence to treasure those who really care for me. they are more important than any treasure money can buy. way above all the good grades you can hope for. these souls are the pillars of my life. you know who you are. thank you for everything and sorry for all the things i did to offend you.

what if?

ever had that time in your day when everything just ain't working your way? when everything seems so messed up and there is nothing you can do about it? well, i face it all the time. and later that night when i lay on bed, i'll usually have some silly thoughts of how my life would have been if i were someone else? what if i pursued my interests further? where would it lead me to? well, i have two favorite images of myself.

image one - a professional footballer

i can hear all those laughters a mile away. but hey, i'm really passionate about the game. and i like to think that i'm good in it. at least it's the only thing which i won't say NO to... i've always wondered how cool it would be to play in front of 15, 000 people (let's face it - in malaysia, that's as good as you get). to score that wining goal (or to miss that last minute penalty)... but i never had the guts to pursue that career further. i guess i'm just too afraid to find out that i'm never good in it anyway...

image two - singer

wipe that sarcastic smile of your face... i said it was just an image. and i love music. especially the ones that touches me emotionally and the ones where the lyrics practically speaks to me. i hate songs that were written just for the sake of producing a song. i've always imagined my music to touch and change the lives of others (especially teenagers)... but lets be frank, i really do not have that talent in me. and i do believe singers are born, not made. since we're in this topic, i would also love to be able to play the guitar like crazy... hahaha.. that would be nice... in the mean time, i'll just have to stick to singing in the privacy of my room....

as silly as it sounds, to have these dreams do help me go through my really bad days (on the worst days i turn to ly and my friends...) but that's all they will be - dreams... i can't afford to make an effort for my dreams to come true. i can't bear the consequences if i fail... so it remains as just another dream... what if...

feeling good...

reflecting back on the past two days, i'm in a better state right now... spent the better part of my sunday with ly and in the evening had a good game of futsal (although it leaves my body aching and my legs bruised)... and yesterday i spent the night with jason and seow (it was supposed to be our independence day but we weren't really bothered)... my three passions (ly, friends and football, in that order particularly)... hahaha... it does wonders in soothing the waves of emotions in me...

right now, i'm listening to silk road by kitaro for the fifth time. it's an amazing masterpiece. when i was younger, i have always avoided this piece. it always made me cry, i have no idea why. and now, it makes me reflect back on all of my past experiences. tonight, i just want to enjoy it's beauty. and i want to reflect back on the better parts of my past... till next time...

at war...

This is the fourth time I’m trying to write an entry and finish it. The previous four was deleted half-way through, which explains my absence for quite some time. Didn’t know why but I just didn’t like what I was writing. I’ve been in a war with myself these couple of days. Personality indifferences and emotional conflicts made my day. I wonder if it’s just me or do every hormone-charged teenager goes through the same hell? These couples of days was horrifying, nothing made sense to me.
One moment I was happy, relaxed. The next, I’m tensed and pressured. Taking into consideration that my exam is finally over, I should be at ease. Especially given the fact that I didn’t even put any sort of pressure on myself and preparation was at a minimum. So what’s wrong with me?
Probably it has got nothing to do with my studies. I assumed it’s about my studies coz that’s what they tell me. I’m feeling depressed so I find someone to talk to. It’s your studies they say. I’m feeling tensed. It’s your studies. I’m not in the mood. It’s your studies. Well, that’s how people around me care for my well being. Hahaha…
Recently I had a conversation with my lecturer. It was after a two hour lecture and I was leaving the class when he approached me. He asked me if I was having any problems. He said it’s showing on my facial expression throughout the class. He also said I dun seem to be present emotionally. I told him that I was just pressured with all the exams. The truth is I dun even know what’s wrong, what’s really bothering me. And after that, I wondered why the people I cared for never asked me that question before? If my lecturer can question me about it, why can’t my friends notice it? Makes me wonder if I really have any true friends after all?
This brings me back to a question that’s always been on my mind. Does anyone see me for who I am? I like to think of myself as a person who does what he think is right and not what everyone wants him to do. Thus i won’t be surprised if I find people who misinterpret my intentions. But what I want to know is, is there even a single person out there who truly understands me and sees me for who I am? Throughout the times, I have always fought back the urge to voice out this question. I guess I just did not have the guts to find out. Well, I better post this one before I decide to delete it… I’ll be back with more posts in a better mood…

lost

i'm kinda down these couple of days. it's weird how life throws these twists and turns which is so unexpected that it hits you right in your face. and no matter how many times you fall and thought you learnt your lesson, you WILL fall again. i'm not talking about anything specific here. just pouring my heart out. which bring rise to another conflict. i've always held true to the idea that a guy should never pour out his feelings to anyone (besides my girl, obviously). but what the heck am i doing here? the main reason i choose to start writing here is the fact that i thought it could make me feel better on really crappy days like now. but i know realize it doesn't really help. i bet you noticed (if there is actually someone following my blog) that my entries are getting further apart. i realized at first blogging was really fun when my mood is right and i KNOW someone is actually reading it. but as time flies by, i also realized that i just can't write everything down in words. sometimes i just can't explain my feelings. that is especially true when my mood sucks and i don't even know what i want anymore. what will people think of me when they read this blog? will they laugh when i'm feeling down? i guess i still DO care about my image. stupid ego.i often wonder at night, "will anyone miss me if i'm gone for good? will people remember me?". these used to be frequently in my thoughts a few years back. it hasn't really bothered me much since my high school days but lately it's creeping back. i hate it when i'm feeling so vulnerable. so low on confidence. why do i even care what people think? shouldn't i concentrate on what i want instead? i guess as humans, we are but social beings. we can't live alone, trapped in our own cocoon. i would really want to continue but it's getting a bit to weird. i'm still not used to writing my feelings down although i'm still convinced it can help me. the pressure all around is really getting to me these few days. studies, family, relationship etc. the problem i face trying to confide in someone is that i'm always afraid someone is going to ridicule me. i know my problems are mostly trivial but really, all i need is a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. i don't need any brilliant solutions. besides, i'm barely 21... these ARE the problems of a perfectly healthy teenager isn't it?these past couple of weeks, i was told that i actually look older than my age. i must admit, that took me by surprise. i always thought i had some innocent, childish look. but come to think of it, it has been some time since i spent more than 5 minutes in front of the mirror. i guess i was just being ignorant. what's going on with me? i don't give a damn on how i look. i don't give a damn on what people say about me. constantly low on confidence. yet sometimes i stay awake at night wondering what people thinking if people would remember me... how conflicting can i get?i took a step on refreshing my image last week. i finally got my hair cut. my hair was shoulder length a few days ago. but right now... ermmm... i can't really say how i look. the reason why i didn't want to get a hair cut in the first place was that it reminded me of being a little bit rebellious by going against the university rule, reignites the ambers of old. but then i realized i need to get out of this emotional pit-hole before i fall too deep. after some convincing by her, i finally decided it's time to change. once again , i never revealed this to anyone for fear of being ridiculed. well, laugh all you want but a haircut does have a bigger influence than you think. and caring about my appearance is not being vain. i just need to feel more comfortable with myself.
well, i'm feeling a bit dizzy right now. by the way, an update of what's going on in my studies. i just had a paper today - mechanics of materials. it was ok but it sucks at the same time. i don't know.. let the result speak for itself ok? and i'm going to have another paper next week - engineering materials. so i guess my next entry would take some time.
anyway... i know my blog is becoming a little bit boring but i need time to open up, you know?
cheers...

out of sync...

talk about irony...
just two entries ago (which seems like an eternity by the way...) i was talking about my perfect time management. well i guess pigs do fly once in a while. coz here i am, back to my ancient ways... my eyes are blurred, i can barely keep it open for now so this'll be another short entry.

after a pleasant start last week, things soon started moving. and it did so swiftly, i didn't have much time to breathe. i had my linear algebra mid term paper last thurs which i am hopeful of a good result although my preparation was rather haphazard. and that was the beginning of an extremely taxing week. after the exam, i traveled to penang to attend my sister's convocation and i just came back yesterday (i was trying to rush for my morning class but i couldn't make it in time).

hmm... now that i'm trying to write it down, it doesn't feel too taxing. that's weird, as i am really flat out tired right now. well, that one trip to penang is going to cost me more time trying to catch up on lost time as i couldn't get anything done on that weekend and right now, my assignments are starting to get stacked up.

anyway, let's not dwell on what's lost shall we? furthermore, that trip to penang wasn't all bad. that journey reignited my desire to drive and gave me time to ponder on what i've been going through. we left kl at about 10 pm which made the journey that much more interesting. there's something about driving at night that really gets me pumped and i realized the surreal serenity of that four hour drive was a break that i needed after all. it took my mind away from all the troubles of life in the fast lane. the convocation itself had some positive note to it. of course i'm happy for my sister but more than that, it gave our family a chance to spend some time together.

well, my mind's blank... i did mention a short entry didn't i? and reading through this entry, i realized it reflects the state of my mentality and my feelings. all mixed up and there is a total lack of any flow...disorganized as can be... i guess i just need a good rest tonight...

Unfinished Article

Who can see me for who I am?
Misunderstood, my path of life
The road is my driver, I'm stumbling along
Where will it lead me?
The silence; it could slice a rock
The darkness; its heavy burden surreal

The body is weary, its soul is lonely
The body is the cage; its soul is its prisoner
The mind and heart engaged in battle
It's a war where none will prevail
The victors of battle shall lose the war
Never at peace, yearning for freedom

The soul is in captive no more
The soul strives with the body
Mind and heart are united
As one, thrives to achieve the impossible
What is impossible? Nothing!

When will you learn?
You know it but you can't prove it
You know it but you won't do it
The efforts are in vain
The soul whither down
The body, lifeless
Mind and heart, failing without hope

Alas, there is time, there is purpose...
To prove them wrong, to stand up high
But are there strength yet left in me?
All the obstacles, all the illusions
Ought to keep the flame of desires burning
Still soft to be molded
Yet to be polished
Very much the unfinished article

ps: this is my best piece of creative writing to date...

finally...

i'm back at last... a lot has happened over the weekend and i have been kept furiously busy till i couldn't find the time to type an entry. but at last i found the time, it's my break time now and i have half an hour before my next class...

i'm in a particularly joyous mood right now which is weird considering i have an exam coming up on thursday night. but a huge dose of good news and relief is working it's wonders on me right now... hahaha... i don't even know where to begin.

ok. let's begin with my relationship. we talked through our differences the other night and we made peace with each other =) . we made a pact to tolerate each other more and the first few days (till the time of this entry...) has really been encouraging. i remembered how it used to be when we first met. don't get me wrong... it's not that the fire in our relationship has whithered but it's just that i've been a different person compared to 4 years ago. so i guess certain things do change with time huh? enough bout my relationship (i'll keep the details for a more suitable entry)... =)

next. as i have already posted, i finally did manage to get my streamyx connection. and last weekend i certainly managed to enhance my computer system at home. hahaha... that was a bonus really. i bought myself a printer (it's actually a printer, scanner and copier - all in one), a cool set of speakers which would annoy my neighbours and my dad actually got me a gamepad (i don't know if it's called a gamepad but it's the one which consists of a steering wheel and pedals...)! that's really, really cool even though i still haven't had the chance to fool around with all that yet. but it's ok and my room looks "the bomb" right now... hahaha...

and THIS is the true surprise. i for once, was able to manage my time perfectly! my lab report is done two days before it's due, my assignments are completed and it's only due by this friday and now i have extra time to go online! talk about a good week! after the terible time i had last week, this is the perfect way to start fresh... now, all i have to do for today and tomorow is to study for my exam on thursday (i hope i will be able to do well in that paper)... euphoria!

anyway, i gotta go now as my friend is asking me to help out with his assignment and my class is going to start soon anyway... till next time...

ps:

to everyone,

there is hope after all for a better tomorrow... hahaha...

it's over... for now...

the past week seems especially long for me... hectic and tiring as well. but at least i managed to live through it and i guess i did all right... and most importantly, i got my streamyx connection which is extremely fast compared to my previous dial up connection... hahaha... that's cool....

anyway, i was tutoring my 'student' just now. but instead of teaching him from his books, i gave him lessons of life instead. hahaha... i've never felt older. i was just mentioning what a student should do to improve his grades. well, at least what i thought could improve his grades. and i myself practised none of it during my days in secondary school which might explain my poor grades (talk about double standards!).

i explained to him how important it is to concentrate in class. to pay attention to the subject at hand.  and never to be shy to raise your hand and ask a question. things that i used to laugh at when i was in VI (that'll be my secondary school - Victoria Institution - a great school)

i also told him about the importance of discipline (something that i learnt in VSG - Victoria Scout Group - the best thing i ever did in my schooling life) and time management. well... i have hands on experience on what will happen if you can't manage your time so i'm qualified to talk about it right? hahaha....

basically, i was relaying my experience to him and i was just telling him what i think would improve his grades and his life in general as a student. i'm not the best person to give that kind of speech but at least i've been through all of that so i know what's good and what's not. how to improve your life as a person? that i will not touch. in fact, i need someone to come up to me and answer that question for me.

all that talk has brought up lots of good old memories. memories that would bring back some of that passion that was lost. keep the embers burning. i wanted to relive the good old times tonight. wanted to share it with you. but something else happened. something that gave an additional twist to the end of this freaking week.

i called her after my tutoring session (her being my other half - ly). to my surprise, she hung up on me. so i called her again. she finally answered on the third try. then i found out that she was mad at me over a testimonial i wrote for a friend of mine (my friend's a girl). she said my testimonial sounded like i was really close to her (my friend). and there was something in it that really upsets her. and she doesn't want to talk about it tonight. so she said good night and hung up.

i was shocked. i tried to recall the testimonial i wrote for my friend. i can't recall anything on that testimonial that could affect her in the way it did. but that's not what i want to talk about here. and i definitely don't wanna talk about how frequently we argue or the problems we argue about. instead, in all of that incident, something else shocked me even more. it's the feeling i felt when i realized she was angry and sad.  especially sad.

i couldn't believe how much it affected me and how much it actually changed my mood. i was so depressed that all the good feelings i had from my memories was washed away. i mean, i do get affected previously but this time it was different. i suddenly realized how much she means to me. i realized how much 'us' means to me.

usually, when we argue, i get upset. i get angry. but this time, i felt terrible. i felt totally at fault. how come? i don't get it myself. i just realized that she means more to me than i've ever realized. i've been taking her presence for granted.

i know this won't be the last argument we'll have. actually i wish there'll be more coz that'll mean we're still together. but i just want to let her know that things will definitely change from now. it'll change for the better. i hope it's not too late.....

well i guess that walk down memory lane will have to wait for another day... right now, i'll travel back on my own, refelcting the times i had with her... good and bad...

Announcement!

i finally got my streamyx connection!!!

still tired...

haven't slept for up to 30 hours now... and i still have classes for another 6 hours! but at least i'm done with assignments for now. right now, i'm typing this entry from the comfort of my university's library (well at least it's cold in here and its quiet).
anyway, i was just thinking about how i've changed from my days in secondary school. i don't really know how much i've changed. i don't even know if it's for better or worse. i'm hoping i could answer that question like a mechanics question. just figure out the forces acting and obtain the equilibrium. but life's not that simple (bear with me ok? i'm just typing my mind without filtering).
i still enjoy the same pleasures. a hot cup of coffee when it's raining. a good game of soccer. the smell of the forest after a heavy downpour. a glass of wine before bed time. the taste of belgian chocolate melting down my throat. a good laugh with my best friends. the feeling of her arms wrapped around me. the taste of her lips on mine. a good conversation. too many pleasures? i think it's still not enough.
although i still enjoy the above with the same passion as i did before, a strange feeling surrounds me whenever i think about my past. where has all the rage and fury gone? where is my hunger for excitement? my rebellious attitude? university life has dealt with all that. although i'm the same person, but my attitude towards life has changed. my mum says i'm maturing. is that so? well, if it is, i DON'T like it! i still need some zest in life, to feel the blood rushing through my veins, to feel my heart pounding against my chest.
i never really realized this until the last semester but i've suddenly became so overwhelmed with my studies that i'm starting to be a paranoid. afraid i'll screw up the next exam or test or even just a quiz. what has gotten into me? probably the setback i faced with my STPM results let me down. i've never seen my parents so angry...  
sure, there are the positive side. i've come to appreciate the people around me more. my family. my friends. i also had my priorities set, thought i'm not sure if its in the right order yet. but i'm still not satisfied. all those rage i had inside me last time is now turned against myself. always finding reason to be angry at myself. never satisified. never confident enough.
people always say phrases like "live your life to the fullest" and "no regrets". i say bullshit. all i can do is try my best and i have tried. but guess what? regrets haunt my dreams at night. maybe i'm being a tad bit emotional. that's what loneliness does to you. yes... loneliness....

i've been trying to adapt to university life ever since i stepped foot into this campus but i still can't. instead of blending in with the students, i've blended in with the environment. maybe it's me, maybe it's the students. well, ok, it must be me. everyone else seems to be doing ok. so where's the problem? there are some really nice people around, but its just not easy to let my guard down and mix in with the crowd. you know what i mean?

actually, after 3 semesters here, i've come to adapt to another attitude. instead of being rebellious, i just couldn't care what's going on around me. it causes me too many sleepless nights so i just overcame it by burying my face in my books. but that can only help for so long... what am i going to do when that doesn't work out either? this is one reason why i really do salute my friends who actually went overseas to pursue their studies. i don't know if my will power is strong enough to make that journey. this is another reason why i want to pursue my post graduate studies elsewhere. maybe gain enough courage to cross the south china sea? well, only time will tell.

anyway, i've gotta go now. need to help my friend out with his lab report. he should be coming over soon. and while waiting for him, i might be able to steal a nap which i need desperately. my ramblings for today will stop here. i know it's not something to impress people with, but with my new found attitude, i don't really care... it's my feelings and it' true from my heart... hahaha...  

tired....

my eyes are as heavy as it can get. one hour of sleep in the past 48 hours, and with so much more to do. in the middle of a lab report right now but i'm just so saturated i might as well be typing a report on einstein's theory of relativity. my time management has got to improve. it really has to. never had enough time to do half the things i wanted to do. never had enough time...

it'll be a short entry this time... gotta get some much needed rest. tomorrow is another challenge, a new challenge....

hectic time (lazy would be more accurate...)

it has been a rather tiring weekend... and the worst part is i didn't accomplish much, which kinda sucks. if i were to give an excuse, it would be because the semester were just starting and i'm trying to juggle my studies, part time tutoring and having fun. hahaha... excuses, excuses... that part time tutoring isn't much anyway, i'm still trying it out. right now i'm tutoring a 9 year old kid in mastering both his english and malay language. 3 days a week, 2 hours a day which is on mondays, fridays and saturdays. he has been relaying splendid reviews to his mum which is a good sign i guess. earning bout 150 a month, but i'm hoping i can lure more students when the good news has spread. then i'll be making big bucks... hahahaha... dream on dude...

anyway, had a heated argument with my other half last night. it was over some insignificant point which we might forget over the next couple of days. i don't know why but these arguments have become more frequent as the years go by. for your info, we've been together exactly 3 years 6 months and 1 week. she's a really sweet gal. my total opposite to be truthfull. probably that's the reason we are still together after all. lately however, these arguments are threatening to overcome our feelings for each other, during which we hurl hurtful sentences at each other.  it hurts. yes, it does.

after each argument, i tend to travel back in time... thinking of all the times we spent together, good or bad. and everytime, i would come back with a smile on my face. i do realize our relationship is special, not one that i want to end anytime soon. to her, i want to say sorry and i love you, truly.  hmm, this is starting to sound like a public apology. hahaha... but let's not talk bout that much more. when the mood is right, i will tell you more bout the both of us, bout how much she means to me.

so, what else did i do this weekend? hmm... my weekly futsal was busted this evening. some misunderstanding with the booking of the pitch. that bloody guy actually received two orders for the same pitch and time. well, another bout of arguments and everyone went home disappointed.

some good news though, i bought a new dv cam with my dad yesterday. its a panasonic model that costs around 2k. been going through the manual and it all seems so alien to me. hahaha... just excited to actually have the oppurtunity to try out something new. technology always appeals to me but this is one area which i admit that i really know nothing about. dv cam and digicam. when i have learnt all the functions, i'll probably post a video recording here. hahaha... that would be cool...

i guess that's all for tonight. i really gotta get to my assignments and my class starts at 8 tomorrow... damn...

 

ps:

 

to tomatoinc,

well, i have to admit your blog spurred me on to start my own writing. but hey, i have always wanted to do this. hahaha... tomatoinc has been a true friend for the past 15 years. been through thick and thin with this guy...

At long last

well well well... what d'ya know? at last i have been able to overcome whatever it is that has always been holding me back from publishing a creative piece of writing from myself. well, creative doesn't necessarily appeal to everyone... hehehe... i have always wanted to write. i found much joy in expressing myself this way. yet the fear of being ridiculed and also some procrastination values instilled over the years have always won the battle over my desires. ok... for starters, i do not want to introduce myself here as i am hoping that a total stranger would eventually read my postings and get to know me through my writings. i know it's unlikely but still it's not impossible right? well, i guess that's enough for the first post. i got to get back to my life as a student which means finishing up my assignment... or at least try... =)

 

btw, i would really appreciate if anyone could give me some hints on how to make-over the template of my page... thnx...